Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
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*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough