Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
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Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.