Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
You Might Also Like
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I know
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.