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If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out itโs pretty expensive
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I canโt believe one of you losers hasnโt married me yet
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
*sips iced coffee*
man Iโve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said โlook at this guy heโs gonna leave soonโ
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you donโt know what you want, either.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?