Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
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I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know