Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony