All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
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I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-