*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
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Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
IT’S-A ME,
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.