<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
You Might Also Like
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?