MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
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Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
That’s amazing.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Put a ring on it
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.