dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
You Might Also Like
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
A French press is when you hug naked
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here