All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
British people be like I’m Bri ish
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.