I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
You Might Also Like
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Cheer up.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.