I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
For the ones in the back.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?