[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.