I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
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Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.