I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol