cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.