Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
calling in to work dehydrated
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat