*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
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You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.