HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
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My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out