Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
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[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Has there ever been a more American story?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know