Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The Struggle
don’t we all
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.