Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
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WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
what it’s like dating me:
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends