“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Had an epiphany today.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.