Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
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SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
#DesignFail
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.