My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
When you don’t understand how floors work
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
the three branches of government
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK