My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I’m putting together a team
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop