When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My birthstone is kidney
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy