I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?