i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..