Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.