My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
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For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I put the hot in psychotic.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Strangers have the best candy.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”