Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
termite twitter scares me
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.