Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
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Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Only a mother’s love …
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?