Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .