The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?