Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
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Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party