What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way