yeah 😭
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Never ghost your hitman.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.