[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
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me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*