It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN