A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
buying dead houseplants to save time
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.