somewhere, in an alternate universe
You Might Also Like
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
181.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries