Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO