Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
This hospital has everything
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
consequences, the bane of my existence