I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave