As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
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me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”