ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.