me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
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The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.